Silent Prayers

"Please God, let this tube go through". My heart said as I advanced the tube to intubate a patient today. My stomach was in knots!! It was a great first experience though. I enjoyed the thrill of knowing that I was in charge... that I was making life/death decisions. I wanted to write a post about it because I never want to forget this feeling. This feeling that is serving as a reminder.

Why have I put myself through the horrors of medical school?
Why I have put myself through countless hours of studying for tests?
Why did I neglect relationship after relationship?
Neglect my health?
Drag myself through the mud... on purpose???

Oh... THIS is why. Because I get to save lives. I get to impact humanity. This is my contribution to the world. Or at least the start of it. It won't be a perfect road. And one day I will know the feeling of failing to intubate a patient. I will know the feeling of failure. But thank God for silent prayers. My heart immediately felt comfort and I sealed my quick prayer with an "amen". I looked up at the monitor. My patient's chest was rising. And her oxygenation was 97%. Breath sounds in both lungs. Chest x-ray confirmed the correct location of the intubation tube. Thank you God.

Welcome to my journey. Until next time...

Dr. Rivas

In my Groove...

Two weeks in and I still can't express the utter joy and happiness I feel to be able to walk through the hospital doors as a Doctor. But that really isn't the important part...

There is a constant fear in my heart when I'm in the ER. It's a calm fear. It's not allowed to emerge past my chest wall or anything. But it's presence is there, always. I walk into a patients room and I am thinking a million miles a minute about what I need to ask in order to NOT miss ANYTHING! But then something amazing happens within the first minutes of talking to the patient... I start listening. I don't interrupt... unless they ramble... but for the most part, I listen. The fear suddenly subsides and my mind begins to filter out all of the emergencies it can't be. I go back to my computer and type in orders. I look at everything I order, make sure I didn't miss anything, then I double check their name and allergies (a bubble of fear has surfaced enough to have me do this 3 times) and then I press "sign orders". And all of a sudden things get moving... IVs are placed in, blood is drawn, EKGs are done, X-rays, CT's... all of my orders. I take a deep breath and start the process all over with a new patient. By the end of the night I've seen about 20 patients. Each time the process has repeated. No wonder I am exhausted by the end of the night!!!

Yesterday I completed 2 weeks. It was mid-way through my shift. I am in a groove. I got this!

Then Mr.X comes in. Somnolent. His oxygen saturation is at 67% (ummm... sir you're supposed to be at 90 something!!). He's febrile. He's having tremors. He can't answer any questions. "Doctor, what do you want us to do" says the nurse. S%^$...F@*&. My groove busted and I feel an unbelievable feeling of despair. But I don't run away. "Put him on CPAP " is all I can think to say... and then comes my Attending physician to the rescue. He walks me through this patients care. And slowly but surely I feel the blood course through my body once again... "Welcome to the world of medicine" he said. 

Humbling. That's what that experience was. I was falling apart on the inside but I didn't run! I wasn't ready this first time, but I will be next time. 

So folks, it's not about how smart you think you are, it's about are you willing to NOT run when you're faced with a serious challenge. Can you absorb that initial shock and then use it to do something awesome (like a good version of Sebastian Shaw)... in my case... keep someone alive. 

Don't run from challenges. Embrace them! 

Until next time,

Peace be with You!